Woman About Sex

Hello there everyone! How’s your weekend going? Hope all is well, and your weekend is filled with pleasurable things enough to make you smile and orgasm! Remember, never stop smiling and having orgasms, because someone might fall in love with the way you smile and orgasm *wink*. Today I just want you to enjoy the rest of your weekend, and make you smile even more. Enjoy, and do not forget to express your love to your loved ones.

Who’s wearing the pants in this family?

A young couple, just married, was in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband who was a big burly man tossed his pants to his bride and said, “Here, put these on.” She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. “I can’t wear your pants,” she said. “That’s right,” said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man and I wear the pants in this family.”

With that she flipped him her panties and said, “Try these on.” He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. “Heck,” he said, “I can’t get into your panties!” She replied, “That’s right, and that’s the way it’s going to be until your attitude changes!”

An Accidental Encounter

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.” She replies, “If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 436.”

Doggy style sex position

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. “Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?” asked the one.
“Well, not exactly.” his friend replied, “she’s more into the trick dog aspect of it.”
“Oh, I see, kinky, huh?”
“Well, not exactly – I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead.”

Extra Large condoms

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.
He replies, “Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?”
She responds, “No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?”

How do you measure a woman’s butt

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says “Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue grill!”

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife’s bottom. “Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue grill!”

The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling frisky. He makes some naughty moves towards his wife who completely brushes him off. “What’s wrong?” he asks. She answers: “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little sausage?”

Who is the dumber?

A mother and father took their six-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother’s, and asked her why. She told her son, “The bigger they are the dumber the person is.”
Pleased with the answer, the boy goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger “parts” than his dad. His mother replied, “The bigger they are the dumber the person is”
Satisfied with this answer, the boy returned to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again, and told his mom, “Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.”

200 bucks

A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell. The wife answers. “Hi, is Tony home?” “No, he went to the store.” “Well, you mind if I wait?” “No come in.” They sit down and the friend says “You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I’d give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one.” Sara thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell – a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws 100 bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says “They are so beautiful I’ve got to see the both of them. I’ll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together.” Sara thinks about this and says what the hell, opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can’t wait any longer for Tony and leaves. A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says “You know, your weird friend Chris came over.” Tony thinks about this for a second and says “Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?”

About Life

“The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. Life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, and spend your last nine months floating… then finish off as an orgasm.” George Carlin

Things that Sound Dirty at Christmas, But Aren’t

To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.
I think your balls are hanging too low.
Did you get any under the tree?
Santa’s sack is really bulging.
I love licking the end till it’s really sharp and pointy.
From here you can’t tell if they’re artificial or real.
Lift up the skirt so I can get a clean breath.
Did you get a piece of the fruitcake?

START EVERY DAY WITH A SMILE AND ORGASM… BECAUSE EVERY DAY YOU SPEND WITHOUT A SMILE AND ORGASM – IS A LOST DAY ;)

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